Monday, September 17, 2012

The Obama Basketball Athletic Management Association

The Obama Basketball Athletic Management Association (“League”) for the 2013 – 2014 season.

A brief summary of the revised rules of the League are as follows:

The fifteen players on each team were deemed terminated as of the 2012 – 2013 season end, April 30, 2013.  Any extended or other contractual provision for any player was subject to mandatory mediation as managed by the U. S. Government, Federal Mediation & Conciliation Service.

The new season began July 1, 2013, with a new draft which was and in the future always will be a random selection of citizens throughout the United States between the age of eighteen and forty-five with a fifteen day opt-in or -out requirement for each citizen so selected.  The ultimate makeup of each team of fifteen players as closely as possible shadowed the population of the United States as a whole, with regard only to sex and race as defined in the U. S. Department of Census in accordance with guidelines provided by the U.S. Office of Management and Budget (“OMB”).  One player in each team must be wheelchair-bound.  Salaries will be $250,000 per year with the working conditions and hours as elucidated in OBAMAOSH (the Obama Basketball Athletic Management Association Occupational, Safety and Health contract, a cross-disciplinary contract concerned with protecting the safety, health and welfare of OBAMA players to foster a safe, healthy and gentle work environment). 

The Rules of Play include:

The game is played according to the Fourteen Official Rules of the Obama Basketball Athletic Management Association (“FOROBAMA”) revised as of May 15, 2013.                

Significantly Revised Rule 1: At the beginning of each game the chief official opens a new deck of regulation bridge playing cards, shuffles according to the shuffle clause of OBAMAOSH.  Three cards are dealt to each team captain.  The numbers of the three cards (as indicated, with jack=11, queen=12, king=13, ace=14) are added together to establish the beginning score of each team.

Significantly Revised Rule 14: With the Official Clock time being one (1) second remaining in the fourth (4th) quarter, an official timeout is automatically called.  The chief official and two team coaches gather in front of the official scorer.  That official scorer delivers the official score.  The excess number of points of one team over another team is calculated by subtraction.  That result is added to the score of the lowest-scoring team.  The Official Clock is restarted and the game ends.
It is frequently asked, “How did this League come about?”  The answer is simple.  After reelection in November of 2013 the President of the United States, Barack Obama, issued an Executive Order, number 13641 as published in the Federal Register May 6, 2013.   It in essence quasi-nationalized the National Basketball Association (“NBA”) and renamed it with new rules and regulations. 

Executive Order number 13641 declared the NBA to be a non-bank financial firm under the Financial Stability Oversight Council (“FSOC”) which is chaired by the U. S. Treasury Secretary as promulgated by the Dodd–Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act (“D-FWSRCPA”).  The Order further declared that the NBA was deemed to be a systemically important financial institution (“SIFI” or “too big to fail”) and a risk to the financial soundness of the United States of America (“USA”).  Additionally, the Order declared a national emergency to deal with such risk and while it was not nationalized board of directors of the NBA was directed to adopt specific new rules and regulations under the jurisdiction of the U. S. Department of Justice (“Justice”) with the possibility that Justice could appoint a majority of the directors.

The media was caught completely unaware of the unexpected order and was livid at being left out of the loop entirely.  The minority Republican Party howled with indignation.  It was immediately challenged in court by a number of Republican state attorneys general.  The Attorney General of the United States arranged to have the whole issue brought forth for review by the United States Supreme Court.  After the angry public reaction, including threatened lawsuits by owners, players’ agents and unions, television networks and consumer groups that had the tort bar celebrating, the Supreme Court decided to take up the matter. 

In a surprise rarely, or if ever encountered in American history, Chief Justice Roberts and Justice Thomas strangely announced their immediate resignations mere days before that NBA announcement day.  While the spokespeople for both former justices refused to issue statements or make any comment, the Internet blogosphere was full of gossip about both men beginning new careers, each with a newly-formed, non-profit, non-governmental organization funded to the tune of $100,000,000 by institutions connected to or funded by billionaire international investor George Soros.  However as of the date of this article such gossip has not been verified.  Later, the reduced court ruled 6-1 in favor of the President’s right to issue such an order and for the Justice Department to carry it out.

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